a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize