I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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