Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
