Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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