Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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