have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
