I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I AM VODKA MAN
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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