i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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