Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
