The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
