I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
