My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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