That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
