summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Sorry my hands just texted you
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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