census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
