ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
