He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
