pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
