I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have peed in a lot of sinks
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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