He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We need to get me chipped asap
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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