why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
