Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
