Betty ford says i'm here all night
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
