i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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