Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
