Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Enjoy the penises
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
