im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
