How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
