Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
jump out the window naked night went bad
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
