Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can i not drive my cunt home
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Randomize
