I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
