Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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