He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
