mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize