i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
