If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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