Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
