guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
