i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am available for nakedness
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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