the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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