The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
