You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
worst night to have a conscience
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
