I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
