my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
