When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
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