woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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