Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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