You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
