So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
