She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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