They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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