we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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