Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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