I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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