when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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