Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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