This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
